I have been thinking lately about my past and how I feel. Actually it’s always on my mind. It has all lead me to writing this, and the whole reason I started this blog. I have something on my mind that I need to share with who ever will listen, Take it or leave it but it needs to be said. I have a desire to share so that perhaps others can think before they make the same choices or at least act as some comfort to those who feel alone in this, Please read until the end even if for nothing more than because I care about you.
I was born Catholic to a awesome Catholic family! But, like so many cradle Catholics I fell away. For me it wasn’t because of some theological teaching that I disagreed with, or some hook line some non-Catholic used to bring me in to their church. It was actually just being a rebellious teen who wanted to go her own way. I know some of you can relate. You may even have a son, daughter, sister or brother just like me.
A big regret…
My biggest regret in life is losing my faith over a relationship. True, my initial fall began as a teenager when I decided I wasn’t going to go to regular mass anymore. But, by the time I was a young adult and in a relationship I had decided that I was going to go the way of the world and abandon my faith, at least in practice. I can’t blame anyone but myself for these choices. I had no concept of how this would effect my future and my future children. I really did think that I knew what I wanted. I thought religion wasn’t for me and that it didn’t matter. Jesus just wasn’t important to me anymore even though I still believed in him. I thought that I was the author of my life. Little did I know that Jesus already was. (see Acts 3:15 where Jesus is the Author of life)
I even thought I had no regrets. I thought I was happy with my choices even though I knew in my heart that I was doing wrong and committing sin, even mortal sin! I knew every step of the way that I was wrong, but I didn’t care I continued to live a lie in my heart. I won’t lie here. I was drawn to the “rock n roll” life style as I like to call it. Drugs played a roll but thanks be to God I didn’t become a drug addict and fall deeper into sin. I am so thankful that I at least had that on my side. I felt like I was a moral person and honestly I could have been so much worse. I could often be heard reciting the old, “but I’m a good person and that’s all that matters,” line or as I have learned to call it, excuse to sin.
You can take the person out of the Catholic Church but you can NEVER take The Catholic Church out of the person!
I didn’t realize at the time that if I didn’t take my faith seriously than no one would! I didn’t see that what I had been given, what you have been given is more precious than gold, more precious than anything that I was pursuing in my life; Christ in the Eucharist! (Read 1 Peter later.) I didn’t see that a relationship, even a marriage that was not centered, not founded on Christ especially in the Eucharist was not centered at all!
“For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.” (1 Cor 3:11)
For me God was on the back burner and I didn’t care what he thought and my actions proved that. I did what I wanted to do and Christ especially in the Eucharist was not part of it and I was lost, although I didn’t know it at first. Those who love me tried to tell me, but I thought that this time it would be different. Yes, it was the sin of pride! Again, I thought that I was the author of my life, but I didn’t realize that Christ already was! If you get nothing from this article get that!
I didn’t know what I had lost until I understood what I walked away from!
The more I learned about my faith, the closer I got to Jesus the more I longed for a Christ centered relationship. I was so lonely because the one I had committed my life to didn’t believe and at times was very hostile to me because of it. I learned to hide and suppress my faith. I wasn’t practicing but, I sure did want to. I was very weak and could not stand up for myself and what I believed. Because of my choices I was not able to raise my children in the faith that was, and should have been so precious to me. My spouse seen in my actions that my faith wasn’t important to me so why should it be for him? I realize now that not staying true to the gifts of my faith and Christ in the Eucharist was a stumbling block for those I say that I love! I wasn’t a good example of morality and Christ’s Church to the ones I love. For that I am deeply sorry! I have seen the ramifications of that all around me in my relationships and in my family.
The greatest commandment…
We are commanded to “love our neighbor as our self” (Mark 12:31) and too,“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) My choice to walk away from Christ Truly Present in the Eucharist, putting other people and things before him was not loving God! It wasn’t even loving myself! I see that now. I see now that I abandoned Christ hanging there on that cross! I walked away from the most precious gift that God had given me through his Church and through my parents! I began to learn more about my faith and began to see that something important was missing from my life and my relationship. My eyes were opening and I began to realize what I had lost. I became very sad and depressed, this effected every area of my life and became who I was!
I also began to see just how much I had missed out on because of my choices. I missed so many Sacramental Masses in the family for first holy communions, baptisms, and confirmations. When people in the family got confirmed that should have been me there too! When my niece was being confirmed I did attend the Mass and was happy for her but also sad, because that should have been me as her sponsor. But, because I am living in mortal sin, not in full communion with the Church I couldn’t have done it! I have also myself missed out on the benefits of the Sacraments in my life! In my marriage and I have paid the price for that.
What I learned about marriage…
Marriage was meant to be Sacramental, centered on Christ and his teachings! We are commanded to first follow Christ and to truly love him! Christ said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15) This also goes to show that if we don’t follow his commandments we do not truly love him! I learned the hard way, but you don’t have too! I have in the last few years finally starting to come along, but it is a long and hard journey back home. A lot of problems and suffering could have been prevented if I had just remained strong in my faith, and continued to grow in my faith, instead of walking away by my actions!
I could have been an example of my faith and saved souls. Instead I was a stumbling block to those who could see my actions which showed that I didn’t really believe. I mean why should people believe if they see that I don’t? Actions speak louder than words! I learned the hard way that a good relationship, all kinds, exist only because of your faith and not in spite of it!
“Now I commend you because you remember me in everything and maintain the traditions even as I delivered them to you. But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Cor 11:2-3)
Not only is He the Author of our life but, we belong to Him!
I didn’t realize that I belonged to Christ first, before I belonged to my spouse. Yet, I walked away from him in The Eucharist and his Church! My personal advice to you the Catholic reader. Don’t walk away from Christ in the Eucharist by your, thoughts,words and actions. You have been given the fullness of Christianity! The fullness of Truth in Christ! This is bigger and more important than anything else in your life! Be an example of Christ and his Church to your spouse, and all those around you! Don’t be a stumbling block between them and the True Faith! If she/he loves you she/he will not be either. If you truly love as Christ wants you too than you will not cause the one you love to sin by cohabitation, fornication and coming between them and finding Christ in the Eucharist! If you truly love and respect each other than you will not sin with him/her!
Not to mention how will you raise your children? Will you raise them in a household where there is no solid faith base? In a household like mine where there is lots of arguing and trauma over different beliefs and what you teach the children? Confusion? Or will you also do like I have and teach them nothing and or feel like you have to teach them in secret because you fear what the other parent will say about it? By the way neither of these are good to do and not healthy for the children! You have no idea what your actions will do to your future family! But I do! I have lived it! My children have lived it! We continue to but, God Grace is powerful, thanks be to God!
You have heard this before and you know it’s true. This time from someone who knows first hand! Be strong, make use of the Grace that you have been given through the Sacraments! Don’t throw it all away with your choices and actions! Truly love! “So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Hold out for a good Sacramental marriage where Christ in the Eucharist is the foundation. God will send you someone through your patience but you have to stay strong and stand up for what you believe in!
This is my personal prayer: Jesus; Truly Present in the Blessed Sacrament of The Eucharist. I believe, help my unbelief, and the unbelief of my friends, my family and the whole world! Amen
Thanks for reading!
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